It is afternoon, a few minutes past 3pm. I am going upstairs to bring my bag. I meet Onyinye at the staircase and I tell her Mr. Oruigoni is in class downstairs and I ask her if she's seen Peace. She says yes, that she's upstairs crying because her uncle just died. I climb the stairs quicker, jumping two at a time, grab my bag from the seat close to the door and I look around to find Peace. I see her leaning out of a window down the hall, holding a half full sachet of water and crying. I walk to where she is, lean out of the window with her, listen to her cry and I say nothing. I think of pain. The pain I've known. The pain she's known. The pain we all know. It is early morning, a few minutes past 5am. I am in my underwear on my bed, trying to be quiet and concentrate enough to say my morning prayers. Somebody starts crying in the hostel. Loud, clear, proper crying. The kind of crying people talk while doing; "No... No... My mummy lied to me. Mummy m agho gbu go m. No... Not now..." And for a second I thought she lost her mother. It turned out to be her brother who died. Her brother who's been sick for a while now and had been hospitalised. Her mother had lied to her, telling her he was getting better. Not being able to pray anymore, I lie in bed that dark,early Friday morning and listen to the girl's heart-tearing cries, and again, I think of pain. The pain of disappointment. The pain of losing people we never imagined we could lose. The pain of losing ourselves. Pain beyond the physical tinge or hurt we feel against our bare bodies. That real pain that sobers us up and steals some of our sparkle away. The pain of dashed hope. Pain makes me think of love. Pain is the aftermath of love. All different shades of pain. All different permutations of love. Think about it. Last week was Valentine's Day. And as usual, we were engrossed in the celebration of love and our lovers. But if there's anything I know, it's that loving a human person only opens you up to hurt, fear and pain. You're going to lose that person someday. To death, a breakup, or to something or someone else. What would you do then? Where would you run? To love is to risk. To love is to willfully die, willfully give up a part of you to die. To love is to embrace pain. To anticipate it. But still, what are we without love? To love is to be whole. We all love because we all need love. We thrive in love. We do not plan to love these people. My girlfriend Peace never sat down and consciously planned to love her Uncle. I never planned to love my Mummy. My Daddy. My sisters. But I do. Oooh, I do. And seeing people who lose their loved ones cry and get broken in pain, it scares me. I've loved and I've lost. I've loved and I've won. But none of it is forever. Someday, I would lose my Daddy and Mummy. Nasa would be far away, Osy would be unavailable, Tobe would be busy, Buoke would be married and live somewhere else, Mimi would be in college and be occupied. There are several people who mean the world to me, but I cannot control what happens to them or how they feel or where they go. All these deaths and loses and tears around me lately have forced me to think on love. Human love. All human love, however sincere and true and devoid of self it may be, is temporal. All human loves have an expiry date. And being the helpless romantic that I am, I cannot find the words to tell you how this tears at my heart so. I wish it wasn't that way. But we are only ordinary people. And pain is a part of us. We all know pain. Pain is that lingering emptiness and loneliness you carry about for weeks. Pain is that confusion, never understanding why. Pain is that new burst of sadness for each time you remember the times you laughed with them. Pain is that feeling of being naked, lost and entirely alone. Pain is that dread you recognise when you think of the future you want for yourself and their absence in it. Pain is dreading everything and everyone. Pain is that indescribable rush of hurtful emotions that hits you every now and then, like the oceans waves against a rock. And love does this to us. Loves opens us up to this kind of pain. Your parents will die someday. Your boyfriend could get shot. Your wife may leave you. My friend Michael Okoro says to be careful who we give our hearts to, because for each love that works or fails, each love that lives or dies, we sacrifice and throw away a part of us we can never have back again. When my Mummy goes, I can never really be a child again. She will leave with that part of me. And each morning I wake up and try to count the number of human persons that I love and all of the things that could happen to them or to that love, my heart freezes and I just stare at my bunk. What would I do if I lose my Mummy? My Daddy? Osy? Tobe? Mimi? My vulnerability scares me. But pain makes me think of one Person..Makes me want one Person: Jesus. Pain brings Jesus closer to me. Jesus Who's always loved me completely, regardless of what I did or said. He is True Love. And True Love is always there. There've been times I felt His love so strongly, it was almost physical and I could have sworn He was hugging me then. When I'm in pain or when I lose someone I love, I run to Jesus. And it's not always easy. I do not see Him. I cannot place my head on His shoulders. But I know He is there. So as terrible as love may seem sometimes, Love still is the answer. Think about it. If we run away from love, to where then do we run? We were programmed for Love. And so today, and all the days after it, let us be thankful and celebrate all the different loves we have, while they last, because one day, you're going to look out a window and not find them anymore. One day, you're going to wake up and not have them anymore. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or envious. Love is not boastful or proud. Love is not selfish or rude. Love does not insist on having its own way. Love always believes.
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